Taking big decisions in life

Two weeks ago, I signed a contract with a private practice to work as a general pediatrician in Brooklyn, New York. This decision marked the end of months of internal conflict. It was not easy to decide what to do after 10 years of medical training. Today I will get personal and walk my readers through the struggles and the lessons I learned in the process.

My conflict started when I realized how hard it is for me to work at night. I love being in the hospital; I enjoy rounding, teamwork, and teaching. Some of the attendings and co-residents suggested I should apply to work in this hospital, which was proof (at least for me) that I was fit to be a hospitalist.

However, kids do not have a schedule for getting sick. To be a hospitalist means caring for patients at all times, nights included. Therefore, I made the first hard decision: not to be a hospitalist, at least for now. It was only the beginning of hard decisions; now it was time to apply for a fellowship or for a job.

When I started medicine, I had big aspirations: discovering the cure for cancer, being the best surgeon, or being an ultra-specialized doctor. There is a shortage in pediatrics in almost every subspecialty; positions go unfilled every year. It was a matter of choosing one specialty, and I could get in. It took some time to admit that I was not interested in any subspecialty. I did not want to invest more years of training because of pride, prestige, or money. That is why, I decided to be a general pediatrician.

Now the hardest decision of all: where I was going to work. Sometimes, it is easy to choose when your choices are limited. I don’t have any of the usual limitations; I don’t have a husband, children, or immigration restrictions; I can be anywhere I want. There were so many factors to consider: the desire to meet a partner, the friends I made here, my love for running and sports, my family in Mississippi, and the pay benefits in other states. I made many lists of pros and cons. The stress of making such an important decision troubled me day and night. I will end my story here since you know the ending. Now I will share the lessons I learned.

1. Be grateful: At the beginning, I felt stressed and burdened with the responsibility of my future. I wished to have limited choices or for someone to choose for me. If I made the wrong decision, no one would be to blame. Then, one day I reflected on the reality of people in other parts of the world where they can’t choose to study, can’t choose a partner, or leave their country. The freedom to choose is a wonderful thing; it was a battle fought for me, I didn’t do anything. Realizing this made me feel fortunate and completely changed my attitude.
2. Know yourself: It is difficult to deal with friends’ and family’s expectations. However, knowing your priorities, principles, and values will guide you through the toughest decisions in life. In my case, it was easier to decide what to do when I remembered what was important to me and nobody else.
3. There is no perfect choice: In movies and fantasy, people get everything they want, but the reality is that this is almost always impossible. When we make one decision, we are sacrificing other important things, but this is just part of life. Once I grounded myself in an imperfect world and imperfect choices, I was liberated to make sacrifices.
4. Give yourself space to make mistakes: We will always make mistakes because it’s part of being human. We can’t tell the future and don’t know the consequences of our choices until after we make them. If we are kind to ourselves and allow us to make mistakes, we will learn from those mistakes and grow wiser. I don’t know if being a general pediatrician is what I will do forever, but I am comforted by the thought that it’s okay to make mistakes and to start again.

I am excited to start my new job, and as I write these lessons, my heart is filled again with peace. I hope this helps anyone going through a big decision in life; I am here for you.