The topic for today’s post has been on my mind for a while, but I’ve resisted writing about it. It’s hard to share my deepest fears and longings with the public, knowing I might face judgment. However, I want to remain vulnerable and honest with my readers. So, I’ve decided to open up about my internal battle between aging and gratitude.
I am 33 years old. Many say I’m still very young, but I’ve begun to notice the signs of aging in my body. My nightly routine has grown longer, with more products involved. While brushing my hair, I spot a few gray hairs and wonder what my body will be like when I turn 40. I’ve also started worrying more about my father’s health. He’s my only living parent, and if I’m aging, he is aging too. I dread the possibility of receiving a phone call one day with news of cancer, a stroke, or a heart attack.
As terrifying as the thought of my father becoming ill or passing away is, it does not compare to my fear of not finding a partner or not having children. Beauty and youth often feel like the only currency that matters, and I am starting to lose confidence. I wonder if I’ll end up alone and childless. I never understood why women would hide their age, but now I see the reasons too well. The term “geriatric pregnancy” (side note: I hate this term) is a generic term commonly used for pregnancies after age 35. The medical term “advanced maternal age” is assigned to women over 35 years old due to the increased risks of complications like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. I’m just a year and a half away from 35, and I am considering other alternatives to have children, like freezing my eggs or adopting a child. Yet, even as I imagine these paths, new fears creep in.
When I was 10, I wanted to be 15. At 15, I couldn’t wait to be 18. Now, I wish I could go back to my 20s. It’s fascinating how children want to grow older while adults fear aging. As adults, we set goals like finishing school, getting married, or having children. Once we achieve those, we create new ones, and so forth. In the book 4,000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, the author theorizes that humans focus on achieving goals to distract themselves from the anxiety of aging and dying. He suggests that acceptance of death is the antidote. I like the idea of acceptance, but I want to propose gratitude as an alternative. Nobody is entitled to health, friendships, family, or a future. It’s important to acknowledge our fears, but equally important to cultivate gratitude. The battle between fear and gratitude is constant. Some days, fear wins. Perhaps that’s why we have Thanksgiving day— so gratitude wins.
I’m grateful for many things, especially my health, my job, my friends, my family, and for you—my readers. I hope gratitude wins for all of you today, as it has for me.
Dedicated to JV
Thanks for sharing and for being so brave and vulnerable! It’s very helpful!! You’re awesome! 😊
This is such a beautiful thought Natalie. And so elegantly articulated. I think there is a lot of wisdom here. And oh yeah – one easy thing to be grateful for – that I know you.